Tuesday 23 September 2014, 7:50 p.m.
I was taking my evening walk in the cemetery which is next to the townhouse complex I’m living in right now. I’m not sure what had been going on that day at work, but I know what happened that evening was the culmination of so many things that had happened over the past month and years.
The day before that, I had attended the funeral of my friend’s mother. The month before that, on Tuesday 19 August 2014 at 2:40 p.m., my own mother had passed away. I know the exact time because I was ten minutes away from her when the nurse called to tell me she had died. I had been her caretaker or had been with her on a daily basis the past two and a half years.
There’s much more to the back story, and more will be shared.
After my mother died I didn’t know what to do with myself, especially after work. My daily routine was to drive to the assisted living center where she was living to have dinner with her. After dinner we would watch a little T.V., do whatever needed to be done for mom, and then I would go home. Every day there was something to do for her; errands, iron her blouses, make her a treat, do her bills, laundry, etc.
My mom was gone, my bearings were way off balance, our daily routine was disrupted. Many days after work I would find myself driving, driving and driving with nowhere to go. I was devastated. I missed my mom so much.
I’m sure September 23rd had been one of those driving aimlessly days.
I was feeling sad, confused and frustrated. I felt like I was in a fog most of the time. As the Executor of mom’s estate, there were still so many things to take care of. I missed my mother so much. Grieving was hard for me.
As I was taking my walk, pondering and wondering and asking God how and what I needed to do to get my bearings back, and adjust to this life altering event…..I had an Epiphany.
It is now April and I’m still coming to terms with and trying to figure out how to make my Epiphany manifest.
My Epiphany was this:
I’m as free as I’ve ever been at this moment of my life. I’m as free as I’ve ever been.
What am I going to do with that freedom?
Why do I say I’m free?
I have nowhere I need or have to be…..work being the exception.
I have no one I need to take care of. My children are grown and living on their own.
I have no one I need to schedule my time for or around.
I don’t have a mortgage because I sold my house to move closer to my mother.
I don’t have to compromise with anyone.
I don’t have to cook if I don’t want to. Yahoo!
I can say no.
I can say yes.
I can run around the house in my skivvies.
I have the opportunity, right now, to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I have a little money saved.
I have more time to REALLY take care of myself.
And so on……
I actually became very exhilarated – not because I was happy my mother was gone – but because it was a sensation I had never felt before. It was an Epiphany, a light bulb, a “what the hell” moment. It was a Grace moment. A moment when I realized my life would never be the same and was and am the only one who will decide my story.
The Epiphany was and is Daunting!
The questions I have been asking myself are as such:
What do I want my life to look like?
What things do I not want or need in my life?
What and who are important, or who and on what do I want to spend my time?
What do I really love to do?
What things did I used to love to do? Should I revisit those things?
Now that I have time to really take care of myself – how do I want to do that?
How do I make my life my own?
How do I give back on my own terms?
It’s now April, April 15th in fact….tax day.
I mention tax day because my responsibilities as Executor are, for the most part, finished now that the final taxes have been done.
Now perhaps I can really start manifesting this Epiphany.
To be continued……..
~ dottie grace~